"so if you really love me, come on & let it show."

I feel like a huge mess lately. Blame it on Saturn retrograde in my 1st House, maybe, or Uranus in my 7th, or Mars in my natal 8th & solar 12th (horrors). But I resolve to be a much better person & just focus on my tasks at hand. & never again will I have to spend a cent on hospital fees. Fuck that. & I'll just re-read this classic book that never ceases to amaze me. 

"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, & you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." 

I'm actually walking on eggshells now. Whenever I'm upset in love, I get VERY inconsolable. I try my best to see the best in the situation everytime & I've already given it much thought & deliberation. I know there's still so much more I've yet to re-learn about love, & for that, I pray for my sanity. 

"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love & must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt & be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
& to bleed willingly & joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
& give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour & meditate love's ecstasy;            

To return home at eventide with gratitude;             
& then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart  

& a song of praise upon your lips."

 Honestly, I don't even know whether or not what I'm feeling now is really love. There's still a part of me that's freaked out with trusting a person wholeheartedly with my life, especially knowing that this person is also treading carefully in this path, showing he's still not really sure of me, either. I don't know what to do anymore except have more faith in myself, in him, & in the signs presented to me by the Universe since my breakup, especially during my last Tarot workshop in October as well as our quick reading swap during The Collective Art Fair last February. I could be just deluding myself, but getting the 10 of Cups, the King of Pentacles, & the Ace of Wands today to signify where this is all headed is a relief. I just don't want to get ahead of myself, & I could just be dreading the next Venus retrograde commencing in a few days. & I'd rather get the real score from the person in question.  

I don't even know the point of this post. I think I'm just bothered with how I'm spending the rest of my time on a day-to-day basis. I still have so much work to do, & I'm on it. I just hope I see results soon. Not to be conditional, but, as much as I would love to express my feelings unabashedly no matter what, I feel like I deserve so much more now, especially with what I've gone through. 

I'll be trying to clear my head today with my brother instead. He's still the most important guy in my life, after all, especially now with my dad gone, even if I don't feel so much like being a responsible big sister now. 

love = sick

I'm sorry for being gone again for so long, but I've already updated my calendar for October so people can schedule face-to-face readings with me more easily. I'm so tired. Forgive me. I really haven't recovered yet from last month's craziness, & I'm truly sorry for my last post. But I mean well. I always do. I just want everybody else to be responsible for their own feelings & lives, the same way I'm desperately trying to take care of myself. To my ardent patrons, you know me, I go the extra mile whenever I can for you fine folks. But the curse of being too accommodating is just too much to bear sometimes. & I really care about you. Tough love, baby. & please don't wait for me to tell you that straight to your face.

Though it truly made my week when a prospective Leo client texted me about how he loves my blog for being witty & upfront. Honesty, he says, is "a trait that is slowly dying in this digital age." & thank heavens despite my profanity he doesn't see it as crass, hehe. Thank you, Y. (& I'm so sorry, but your strong Venus in Cancer is what I've been picking up for all this time! :P)

I want everybody I come in close contact with to be happy. Now please remember that happiness is a state of mind, & it's always fleeting. The only way to really make the most out of a happy moment is truly revel in it while it lasts. Well, taking pictures & videos can help. But memories are the best things to come out from it. Cherish those, & always count your blessings. Things can — & will — be anticlimactic more often than not, but that shouldn't put a stop to you feeling happy every single blasted chance you'd get.

In our pursuit of happiness, though, we tend to lose ourselves in the process. The more we feel it's elusive, the more stressful it can be for us to handle things. Take my own struggles with gardening & adjusting to new health + fitness schedules, for instance. Then there were these premier events I had to go to, to show my support to some of my most awesome clients, & I still need to recover from the hubbub. My auld lang syne friends are MIA when I need the most, & I feel more alone than ever. Worse, my lovelife (say what? LOL) is going nowhere fast. But whatever. I'll just share this article that brightened up my day:

"Here are three tools I use on a daily basis to keep getting to know myself amidst (& sometimes because of) my challenges:"

1. Do one small thing to make today better than yesterday.

Allow yourself to settle into the idea of small little shifts that add up to a more peaceful, centered you. Say a prayer for someone you know who is hurting. Put yourself to bed early. Pack yourself a healthy lunch.

[It's always amazing] at how one little thing can have such a drastic impact on our mood. You reclaim a piece of your day, even if it's just a small one.

2. Begin to embrace your own brand of happy. Don’t ask it to look exactly like "everyone else’s."

Be open to the hobbies, places, & people who make you jazzed about your future, regardless of what others may think about them. You were given specific skills in order to shine. Cultivate them in small & big ways.

If your current friends aren’t interested in your new passions, ask the Universe to guide you to others who might be.

3. You’re holding the remote; go ahead and press the pause button when needed.

Make an effort to turn inward & reset your frequency if you feel like things are getting funky. Whether you take a two-minute walk outside, meditate before you go to bed at night, or simply pause in the doorway before you zoom into “go, go, go” mode, you create a split-second opportunity to be present & show up for a day full of possibility and miracles.

I'm still counting my blessings, & I'm just praying this maddening lull will ease out soon. If you're feeling like the Universe is grating you like a citrus fruit for your zest, leave a comment & let's talk about it, haha.

Anyway, since it's my 6th blogging anniversary this weekend (technically, October 13th), I'll be throwing in a few surprises on my Facebook page (please Like the damn thing, haha) & you can try my quick readings that I'll be offering only until the end of my Venus return next month:

Yes! Get US$5 off if you ask me 2 or 3 questions via email! Please give me until Monday (just in case) if you're availing of this today to fully respond to your questions, just so I can get my personal stuff that I've planned beforehand out of the way. I usually respond right away, shortly after the receipt of your questions, so don't worry. If you still want to meet me for a face-to-face reading, well, you know the drill. ;)

Text me beforehand should you want to be scheduled for Friday, October 21st, 3pm-5pm: (+63) 0920-433-5420. Please note that I might be in the middle of a reading session so if you call, I might not be able to pick up immediately. Text me FIRST before calling. I'm adamantly sticking to my schedules but I want to accommodate everyone as much as I can this month. Meaning, I'd rather read on these particular days at MY preferred places so, please, I beg of you. (House calls will have extra charge, up to double my standard rate, depending on location & weather conditions. For now, I can only accommodate requests within the Makati CBD. For more information how I do my readings, please read the updated 2nd FAQ.)

Email readings are just as good as face-to-face readings, & they are very detailed & personalized. No, I don't go pasting generic meanings of the cards I've drawn. I relay them exactly to your situation, & say things as you need to read/hear/know them. They're also convenient if you want concise answers, & when you're on the go. If you've read my first FAQ listing, you'll get further ideas on what to expect when availing such a service from me. Satisfaction guaranteed, no matter how cliché that sounds, hehe.

Thanks for reading, & happy weekend. Stay tuned for updates! :D

love schmlove (& my struggle with asserting "healthy selfishness")

Since it's already my birthday season (Solar return) & Saturn is still in my sign Libra (which rules relationships, equality, beauty, romance, & harmony, ugh), let me go ahead & repost this article on relationships. It's been crazy how people have been getting readings about relationships wondering what went wrong & how to make things work between them & their respective partners again, but for the life of me, surprisingly, do not actually understand the dynamics of it all. I know, been there, done that. While I actually welcome my current empowered single grrl status (like I've said before, it's my Aquarius rising's fault), I want other people to realize that it does really take 2 to tango, so to speak, in a relationship. I've seen things go awry in my own family, with my own parents, to boot. I've mediated for them, as early as 15, & I'm not the eldest child, to begin with, take note. & I've rooted for either my mom (Pisces-Aries cusp) or my dad (Sagittarius) at some point. But I felt I was too young to care about their issues, anyway. The threat of them getting a separation (divorce is yet unheard of in this country, sigh) even as early as 1987 was crazy. & them telling us incessantly to be really sure of whom we'll end up with before doing anything stupid is just too much to bear, but thanks Mom & Dad, everything I need to know, I actually didn't have to hear from you both. But yeah. I've seen too much. & dysfunctional relationships drain the shit out of me everytime. My solution sans the cards? Let go until things clear between both parties, if it really can't be helped. Why stay when people cheat/stray anyway? Unfortunately, my job entails to offer proactive solutions to make things work between 2 people (*sigh* motherfucker *sigh*) & I totally hate it when people still insist on their ways, justifying their flaws & shortcomings in their relationship. I'm sorry, but why are you asking for my help again if you're not even open to the idea of helping yourself that way? I'm very busy & I've other more worthwhile things to do in my spare time, so please. Don't bother the fuck out of me if you're resisting to take your chances. Again, it's your life, after all. Have a little more faith in it, as my favorite cheeky self-help book says. & honestly, for the love of God, you can't just magically make a person come back to you without really taking a good look at yourself first & understanding what the fuck's wrong with you, while understanding as well as ACCEPTING that your paramour is a completely different person, who doesn't really think like you do. Again, men & women are hard-wired biologically to think, speak, & act differently, despite my sensitive male clients & strong-willed women patrons. So, please. & that, my dearies, is the reason why I've decided to stay single all this time. Until I find someone who soothes me with his mere presence & respects my idiosyncrasies & complements my very being with his individuality & treats me like a princess every single time especially on my bad hair days, not to mention have his friends adore me, then I'll keep myself enthralled with your relationship issues. Whatev. :/

(oh, wait, I think I already have, haha, & let's hope he asks me out very soon, ahem — but I really wouldn't mind if he doesn't yet because I'm too fucking busy for anyone else, to begin with! Gah.)

Again, these are powerful pointers to remember in making your relationships work:

1. Develop Your Own Personality
Too often we get into a relationship & lose ourselves. We stop doing those things that made us happy when we were single (hanging out with friends, reading on our own or our favorite hobbies). Instead, we spend as much time as possible for the other person. Remind yourself of who you are. If you've forgotten, get to know yourself again.

2. Be Happy
Be happy yourself. If you need someone else to make you happy, you’ll be disappointed every time. They can't read your mind & don't know your every need. Instead of relying on them for all your happiness, rely on yourself. Do what makes you happy, then you'll be happier in your relationship. Also, tell your partner about what makes you happy & ask them the same.

3. Work Together as a Team
If a couple can get along camping (in a tent, in the woods) for a weekend, then they have a strong relationship. They can cooperate to get tasks done & still find time to have fun. So split up the house chores or hire a cleaning service so you can stop arguing over who does the chores. Divide & conquer!

4. Talk About Problems!
Have you ever not talked about a problem with your partner? Have you watched your fear & anxiety increase tremendously as the problem grew in your mind? When you finally talked about it with your partner or it finally exploded, was the reality as bad as you expected? I've said it before, you’ve read it before – so instead of holding it inside, talk about it with your partner. No gossiping. No talking behind each other's back. & NO second-guessing.

5. Share Life Based on Reality
In Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice, Elizabeth's younger sister married a military man. She thought the marriage was just dreamy. In reality, the couple was forced to marry, because she had run away with the man and lived in sin. Check that you're really seeing your relationship for what it is. If you have an assumption, talk about it with your partner to get a reality check.

6. No Finger-Pointing
No matter what happens, do not point your finger at them. The old adage is that when you point one finger, three more are pointing back at you. You will have disagreements, you will not be pleased with some things your partner does, & you will lose your temper occasionally. This is normal. Blaming each other is not.

7. Honor & Respect the Person You're With
Sometimes all it takes is a moment to really look at your partner & all the things they do for you (or would do if you allowed them) & what they mean in your life. If you honored and respected your partner, you'd be amazed how differently your relationship can be. The trust that is created is amazing.

Yeah, please, remember all that, especially if you're already contemplating on breaking up for good. Now remember, a little space doesn't really hurt anyone, & I personally believe that a relationship does require breathing & thinking space from time to time. Of course, there should be trust & open communication just the same. No lying. No bullshit. No judgmental, critical, demeaning remarks just because you don't agree to what your partner wants. Maybe this song will help you realize things. "So I can wait a while, if it brings me back to you," so it croons. Funny I had to be reminded of this song by someone I really, really loved from way back, before my ex-fiance, but we were just too chicken shit to do anything about our feelings for each other. (But yeah, maybe He's Just Not That Into Me. So what. The feeling's so mutual!)



& maybe all you strong-willed, driven women should lighten up & be more in touch with your inner Venus while you're at it.

Remember that to have commitment, people should of course have strong compatibility & consistent communication. But what's more important is for the people in question to be able to compromise & cooperate whenever necessary. & no matter what happens, especially once all of those key components is exhausted, compassion should still prevail. Even after a devastating breakup. It took me 4 long years to finally have the gall to say sorry to my ex-fiance for being the girlfriend from Hell & wish ultimately for his happiness without wishing him dead like 5 minutes after.

& let me share with you this funny quote that got stuck with me throughout the years, from Jessica Zafra:

“You can not make someone love you. You can NOT be thin enough or white enough or famous enough. The choice is entirely the other person's. Then again, you might try hypnosis.”

& please remember that I will not be doing any readings starting today until Wednesday, September 28th. I can do a 3pm-7pm thingamajig but that's it. Remote readings will have to wait until the following day. PLEASE, HAVE MERCY. It's my birthday weekend & I'm still getting the house + garden fixed, & I'm despicably sunburned. Text me beforehand should you want to be scheduled for Wednesday onwards: (+63) 0920-433-5420. Please note that I might be in the middle of a reading session so if you call, I might not be able to pick up immediately. Text me FIRST before calling. I'm adamantly sticking to my schedules but I want to accommodate everyone as much as I can this month. Meaning, I'd rather read on these particular days at MY preferred places so, please, I beg of you. (House calls will have extra charge, up to double my standard rate, depending on location & weather conditions. For now, I can only accommodate requests within the Makati CBD. For more information how I do my readings, please read the updated 2nd FAQ.)

& to throw in my number one PET PEEVE du jour:

"Asking the same or similar questions multiple times indicates that you aren't paying attention to the answers you’ve been given. Sometimes readings will be [completely useless] because people already know the answer to their question, but they don't want to admit they do, or they are hoping the answer will change."

Thank you for reading this verbose seething-with-indignation post, & forever trusting me with your myriad issues. Now excuse me while I try to get my life back. It's been a grueling week, & all I've ever been doing is fuming about it. Happy fucking birthday to me tomorrow. Nothing — & NO ONE — will get in the way of this. It's been a wonderful 3 decades, Universe. I'm very happy about how things are working out for me. ♥ *cough*

on melancholy & the infinite sadness

Hello again. ♥ Sorry I've been gone for so long. The mad rush of trying to relax & get checkups because I was so sick last week got the best of me, & I'm still waiting for my final results, with one last consultation to go, for now. Wish me luck. I'm actually scared shit, but everything should be fine, or so I'd like to believe.

I had a wonderful time last weekend, though. I've to thank my doting mommy figures from work who went with me to the clinic while my brother was still on his way. Thanks so much. I hope you ladies were able to rest at home. I'm also very happy for my brother for keeping me company & letting me play Sunday X Magazine from his PSP (I like Ban Mido from the GetBackers! ♥) to kill time, & for bearing with my idiotic girly antics the whole afternoon, especially when I was ogling at a few pieces from Balenciaga, Vera Wang, & Omega; & while we binged on vegetarian pasta after watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine. (Yay, Daniel Henney as Agent Zero is my new onscreen crush, LOL, aside from Figaro Zeng in They Kiss Again)! Our trip back home was super sweet! I wish it were always like that every Saturday, come sundown.

But I'm still not feeling fine. I'm down in the dumps all of a sudden, especially after hearing from a couple of friends on how their lives are now, after reading for them around last month. It looks like everything was headed nowhere fast to begin with, but I know after all this, they'll rise above the ashes. Beautifully, at that. I really wish them both well. But now I can't shake off the blues, & maybe I need another lustral bath, which is, at the moment, just a long cold shower in candlelight, hehe. Interesting how I gacked this at the last minute online:

The Dictionary of Mythology, Folklore, and Symbols, Part 2, page 1026, tells us about the lustral bath:

From earliest times a method of purification and expiation, frequently attended by sacrifices. Kings take a lustral bath at coronation. Also typifies death, and a familiar incident in mythological stories is the murder of the sacred king or sun hero in his bath.

Uhm, okayyy... @_@ That just reminded me of the 3 of Swords card from the Mythic Tarot deck. That version just made the card's usual depiction more disturbing. But at least with this card per se, it only means that tensions are now finally brought out into the open, & at last, healing can be done. But it's not going to be easy.



But anyway, thanks so much for the visits, votes, inquiries, & comments. :D More, please. They always make my day. I also learned about the Alchemical Tarot because of such. Tomorrow should be an interesting time with a new client. I wouldn't know whether or not I should cringe or be amused when would-be patrons talk to me over the phone & say, "you sound quite young." Sometimes I still feel like I'm only 12 years old, seriously, but of course that was nearly 2 decades ago! :)) I hope I'd make a difference. My horoscope from a few days ago comes to mind:

Libra
Tue - 28 Apr, 2009

Even if someone else makes a change in their life, it can still affect you, and probably more than you actually realize. Allow yourself time to process and reflect.

I just hope all the changes in your lives are for the better from now on!
Yes, I care about each & everyone I come across with!

Speaking of change, I sure hope it comes my way ASAP. Let me share with you this nifty online reading I got recently from TarotReading.com, & how this one card blew me away:

For your Love reading, you have drawn the primary card: High Priestess

You may worry that you are being too judgmental, but you shouldn’t. Prefer to think of yourself as discerning, able to see things for the way they really are, able to acknowledge the reasons for your feelings of disappointment and angst. However, you must accept that people have and will continue to disappoint, fail to live up to promises and expectations. And there will always be huge amount of tedious, time-consuming due-diligence standing in the way of your goals. It is ok to bemoan the often painful, stuff of life, but don’t wallow.

The cards say things will remain frustrating for a while but real promise and success awaits you further off in the future. You must muster the strength and patience to wait for your destiny. The only way is straight through, and we are all charged with the task of learning to enjoy the process. Don’t discount the power of deep thought and internal monologue (even if it has taken the form of brooding more times than not). You are doing good work and making great strides internally. You have allowed a measure of truth to sink in and it will take some time before you can act on that knowledge. Serenity is key, now is a time to build a reserve of energy for your desires. Rest assured, the future holds many successes and the attainment of several goals.

This just wholly defined the said card for me. I can't help but think everytime that the main reason why I see her often in my spreads is that since I've defined myself to be a tarot reader, I should simply be all the more attuned to my feelings & intuition, & be more composed as a result. But sometimes I'm just a sappy girl underneath it all, & it's not funny. I wonder, though, how much longer do I have to wait, hehe. Sigh, I wish I can read my own cards more objectively.



Strangely enough, I like how the High Priestess is depicted as Eve in the El Gran Tarot Esoterico deck. She looks more vulnerable obviously than the usual High Priestess in her full naked glory, but it seems to me that she has a secret to spill (if not a whole bunch of them), & we better come closer to her to have it or so revealed. Knowledge is power. Unlocking secrets can be tempting. Knowledge can be a double-edged sword this way. Now what would you do if she showed up in front of you offering you her priceless secrets, all crystallized in that fruit that she's holding? Are you going to take a bite, or consume the fruit altogether? Or will you throw the damn thing away? Or will you give it to someone else? Oh, I'm not really a fan of blatant nudity in tarot decks, but I find her inexplicably enchanting nevertheless.

I'll come back later. There's something else I need to post. & it's about how Calendar spreads can be so 'off-key' but they actually still make sense. Take care now. Gotta run.