"I don't have to sell my soul... He's already in me."

"Anti-Lamentation" 

Regret nothing. Not the cruel novels you read
to the end just to find out who killed the cook.
Not the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication.
Not the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punchline, the door, or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the ones
that crimped your toes, don’t regret those.

Not the nights you called God names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the livingroom couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.
You were meant to inhale those smoky nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with its loose buttons, its pockets full of struck matches.
You’ve walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing,
when the lights from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.
You’ve traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the upstairs
window. Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied
of expectation. Relax. Don’t bother remembering
any of it. Let’s stop here, under the lit sign
on the corner, and watch all the people walk by.

- Dorianne Laux

Can't thank Lea Rose enough for this poem. Perfect for this gloomy week.

I just want to feel better, like the rest of you.

"so if you really love me, come on & let it show."

I feel like a huge mess lately. Blame it on Saturn retrograde in my 1st House, maybe, or Uranus in my 7th, or Mars in my natal 8th & solar 12th (horrors). But I resolve to be a much better person & just focus on my tasks at hand. & never again will I have to spend a cent on hospital fees. Fuck that. & I'll just re-read this classic book that never ceases to amaze me. 

"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, & you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." 

I'm actually walking on eggshells now. Whenever I'm upset in love, I get VERY inconsolable. I try my best to see the best in the situation everytime & I've already given it much thought & deliberation. I know there's still so much more I've yet to re-learn about love, & for that, I pray for my sanity. 

"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love & must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt & be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
& to bleed willingly & joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
& give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour & meditate love's ecstasy;            

To return home at eventide with gratitude;             
& then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart  

& a song of praise upon your lips."

 Honestly, I don't even know whether or not what I'm feeling now is really love. There's still a part of me that's freaked out with trusting a person wholeheartedly with my life, especially knowing that this person is also treading carefully in this path, showing he's still not really sure of me, either. I don't know what to do anymore except have more faith in myself, in him, & in the signs presented to me by the Universe since my breakup, especially during my last Tarot workshop in October as well as our quick reading swap during The Collective Art Fair last February. I could be just deluding myself, but getting the 10 of Cups, the King of Pentacles, & the Ace of Wands today to signify where this is all headed is a relief. I just don't want to get ahead of myself, & I could just be dreading the next Venus retrograde commencing in a few days. & I'd rather get the real score from the person in question.  

I don't even know the point of this post. I think I'm just bothered with how I'm spending the rest of my time on a day-to-day basis. I still have so much work to do, & I'm on it. I just hope I see results soon. Not to be conditional, but, as much as I would love to express my feelings unabashedly no matter what, I feel like I deserve so much more now, especially with what I've gone through. 

I'll be trying to clear my head today with my brother instead. He's still the most important guy in my life, after all, especially now with my dad gone, even if I don't feel so much like being a responsible big sister now. 

"Escape is never the safest path..." but honestly, what is?

Had a most surreal Good Friday when I had another reading that bordered on the supernatural/paranormal/occult, using my new Revelations Tarot deck. (Of all decks, it had to be that.) It made me re-think what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life, what I need to do with my Scorpio/Plutonian influences, & why I studied Tarot in the first place (ah, yes, to unlock the secrets of the Universe: 1) who am I?, 2) why am I here?, 3) when will I die?, 4) where am I headed?, 5) when will the world end?). Reading on a Good Friday + Full Moon is a most heady + bizarre + cathartic + cataclysmic experience. Especially while being powered by hazelnut soy cafe mocha, haha. & I spent the rest of my day doing readings, even remotely. I'm still wrapping my overdue email, though. I hope to be finished within the day.

I then had a dream about the Grim Reaper yesterday, who looked more like the figure in the Death card from my Morgan-Greer deck (& I'd rather not post images of cards like that, lest I'd attract their energy in my life), when I finally managed to doze off. There were grim songs playing, but songs I didn't mind hearing on loop, like probably Type O Negative's Love You To Death & tracks from Marilyn Manson. I could barely remember what was that main song buzzing in my head until I looked this up: **WARNING: NSFW**



& then it hit me. How could I forget this when this was one of the songs I personally liked because I could relate to it. I liked this & Korn's "Kick The PA" from the Spawn movie soundtrack, but I didn't expect this music video to be that grotesque + stylish. Haha. Emphasis on stylish! Very controversial, kinda relevant, with them goth Jesus & Mary depictions, just in time for the season. Lady Gaga won't ever be this captivating, I swear. :P

But yeah, this song has killer lines I feel like I myself would've written:

"Oh, Mary, to be this young is oh-so scary."

or

"You never said forever could hurt like this."

& of course,

"I wanna live, I wanna love, but it's a long hard road out of hell."

& I really didn't want to live anymore around that time, a few years before I stumbled upon Tarot. Tarot encompassed everything I really like: psychology, art, religion = mysticism = spirituality, & it helped me incorporate my penchant for astrology with my daily life, even if it had to take me 2 major tragedies in the family to accept what I already have in my possession. Everything I prayed for when I was younger (wisdom, strength, grace, all for peace of mind & stability's sake) finally manifested in my deck of cards (& a whole buncha other decks). I still am fumbling through it, even after 10 years of studying it & waiting with bated breath to get validation for my readings, but I believe now, more than ever, that it's meant to be, especially with how creepy it is all of a sudden for me to check back on my Midheaven (IC). This was from my sample Career Advice astrology report from Tarot.com:

Neptune in 10th house

You tend to have high aspirations and spiritual goals for your life. You enjoy helping others and are very idealistic. Whatever you achieve in your life will come from your own efforts without the help of your family. You are very sensitive to the feelings of the people around you and could be a very good diplomat. Chemistry and liquids could be related to your job or profession. You could experience great confusion when trying to choose your vocation, and may have some changes in your professional life. You will have to learn to be more decisive and consistent, leaving all your fantasies and doubts behind.

Ruler of 10th house ( Jupiter ) in 6th House

Your professional success is related to your ideas on service, & your ability to produce changes or transformations in yourself as well as others. No matter what profession you choose, it will be more gratifying for you if you feel that you are helping others. This astrological position favors professions linked to medicine, therapy or nutrition. If you do not have a career, you are likely to work in a company that provides some kind of service.

So yeah, I think I'm a bit happier now with where I am, though I'm still looking for more satisfaction & structure. & I most certainly can use more ideas on what to do with the rest of my life, aside from water sports, photography, cooking, yoga, crystal/color healing, & writing.

I think the point of me posting all this is I've re-realized what my role is as a reader. Regardless of what my seekers choose to do, all I can do is sadly be as objective as I can be, even if I personally negate their life choices. I can only present all the options available to them, but whether or not they choose world annihilation or world peace, I cannot really put a stop to it, not just yet. As much as it pains me that I'm like creating monsters along the way, I should remind myself that they already came to me with their plans fermenting within themselves. I can only shed light to those plans; help them acknowledge their Shadow. Whether or not they deviate from their paths at the last time after getting a reading, that's all up to them. Tarot can only help us become more responsible for ourselves, but it's still up us to actually do it. I am only like a lighthouse at some dock at the end of the day. They can't say I didn't warn them, however. I've already done my part, & I really should detach from my readings.

All I pray for now is for everyone to make the best decisions as much as possible that can help save this dying world, & stick with those. For now I'm truly grateful for the gift of divination bestowed upon me, & I acknowledge a Higher Power at work, that I am not at all omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient. We are all free to live our lives the way we want to, but we should know that we still have our respective roles to play & duties to fulfill.

Oh, I haven't really decided upon my favorite card yet from the Revelations deck. Maybe the Star, because she's pretty especially when upright, & you can never really go wrong even with it reversed. Somehow I regret buying this deck, but I believe it has its purpose, too, especially with my complicated, contradictory Libra nature. :)



& maybe the Star would be the most apt, especially in validating my chosen "line of work" du jour, especially upon hearing this prayer over some FM radio station on my way home after that most crucial reading, "Make me a channel of hope & blessings." I really hope I get to become so despite myself, & that my own journey from that long hard road out of Hell would serve as an inspiration to others clawing their way out as well. Have a sacred weekend.

bracing myself for a whole new crazy year

Hello again, World. Happy 2012. I know, I've been gone for so long. I got too sick (again) & busy (aren't we all?) to make updates, but so much has happened to me since New Year's Eve & I can't wait to blab all about it. But for now, please be informed of the ff.:

1) Starting February 21st, Tuesday, all personal readings will be strictly by appointment. Forced last-minute readings will be charged more.

2) No readings will be done on Wednesdays for the entire year, unless otherwise specified.

3) For the rest of the month, I will only be reading on Tuesdays, February 21st & 28th, 2pm-7pm in my specified location within the Makati CBD.

4) I will be on vacation from March 4th to 10th. Actually, even from the 11th (my dad's 4th death anniversary observance) until the 16th (my departed sister's birthday commemoration). Online readings can be entertained, provided that payments done via bank or PayPal have been settled before the sessions.

5) Please call ONLY from 10am to 11pm. But please check my schedules beforehand. I may be too busy with another client to pick up, & the last thing I need is a rattled person at the other end of the line, as I am too empathic for my own good. Please RELAX before calling me, should your need to speak to me becomes deathly urgent. Same thing when you text or email me. I would love to help you, & I WILL help you, but please help yourselves, too. Never, ever give up on yourselves. Be more responsible for your own lives.

6) I can't wait to feature my favorite young personalities, especially from 2011, here soon. I've been meaning to since last year, actually. These people deserve recognition & we should support one another all the more, especially with all these favorable planetary aspects in the next few months to years. Give feedback, ask questions, or heck, even suggest who else to feature, & you might just win a quick reading from me. :D

7) Please bear with my blog layout until further notice. If you keep getting redirected to these ads while browsing through this, it's all part of the plan, haha. & if you wish to help me out, feel free to do so:

Hey, your donations for this blog can give you quick readings in exchange, & they'll go to other good causes! :)

8) I want to have more space to blab about my new decks, or more Tarot-related stuff per se. So please do me a favor & read through my tabs &/or ask about me from your referrals instead, should you need more information about my reading style, whichever applies. I want to rave about my new Dream Enchantress, Universal Fantasy, & Shadowscapes card sets, please.

9) Again, my readings are actually more cathartic than the norm. I can make startling predictions (as that's the goal, yes?) but if you're only coming to me with a "hey, let's test how psychic she really is" kinda vibe, you might as well not see me at all. Don't expect me to penetrate your deflective defenses without your permission. & just please see my previous post & my FAQs, for the love of Goddd before proceeding.

10) Let me leave you with this track I discovered & quickly fell in love with (yeah, I can meditate to this shiznit) sometime technically after Valentine's Day. I chickened out from talking to the DJ, but I was blown away when he started his badass set. This sounds more amazing live, of course, & I can't wait to catch him again wherever. & I swear I won't let myself miss out on anything again. I've been living under a rock for so long, & it doesn't help that I've been getting sick since November!

P.S. I hope your Valentine's was happy. Even if I didn't get flowers or chocolate this year, my new astrology books & Tarot decks (& lingerie! HAHA) made up for it. The new music I stumbled upon that night was fantastic, too. & maybe a book swap is in order.

Anyway, I'm off to juggle my time taking care of myself & some key clients today. I'm getting a dress from one of them today (awww, how sweet!) & I also hope I'll have enough energy to enjoy this event:



Oh, well, toodles.

because something good indeed can work this season

November has been very intense for me, so far. It started out fine with my new as well as returning clients. (Thanks, folks.) I also was able to spend more time with my brother again as we both prepared for All Saints' Day, & we got to visit my father & sister's grave after a long while. I was also able to join new friends (younger, kickass, creative girls) go boxing at least every week. I felt intense pain after 3 long days, though, during my first try before the Full Moon. I had to reschedule most my appointments as a result. I'm expecting to at least have a couple push through again this Tuesday, then I'll be taking some more time off just before the next New Moon in Sagittarius. Funny enough, New Moons are supposedly lazy days, but with the next one in rambunctious Sagittarius, if you feel antsy, anyway, go right ahead. I can totally feel the Sagittarian energy now, while Venus is in it, so I'm totally wearing a lot more solar colors (red, orange, pink) for more energy, talking to more new people (like a whole bunch of foreigners, who are more often than not surprisingly fellow Librans!), planning my next faraway getaways, & getting more in touch with spirituality while trying to incorporate more of it in my day-to-day temporal drudgery.

Like I'm really switching back to healthier habits. That deserves a separate entry completely, but I might as well post it here. We got a new blender so it'll be easier to force-feed me fruit, as I can't eat the damned stuff fresh everytime (unless we're talking about mangoes, avocado, melons, & pineapple). I'll be cutting back on fancy alcohol, too, even if I can't resist this lineup. Everything I've dutifully sworn off in 2006 long before this blog was first operational via WordPress (sodas, fraps, excess carbs lacking protein) will be painfully set aside, too. Not to mention everything I've fallen in love with in 2006 before my grueling old day job sucked the life out of me (yoga, tai chi, Pilates, guided meditation) will be pursued again, along with my childhood favorites (biking, iceskating, long introspective walking). Looks like I'll be so on-the-go more often, & remind me to stock up on Advil until the holidays are over & done with. I really need to get my strength back. Psychic work is draining (especially lately, when things get eerily accurate on the spot even sans my Tarot cards, yikes) & now that Neptune has gone direct, I've just realized how disconnected I really am now to my physical body. & that has got to change by next year, especially now that I'm thinking of adding Muay Thai, surfing, & wakeboarding to my weekly routine. Don't ask.

Basta, what's important is that I get back on track with what I've started in 2006. Speaking of which, I was reminded of my 5-year-long reading for myself from that year using my Samurai Tarot deck. Now to be both feminine & badass at the same time.

This song isn't so badass as I intend to be again from now on, but it's light & fun & it's good for affirmations. I'm definitely getting things started. How about you?



I'm still very swamped with e-mail & texts so please bear with me. Just making this update is draining, but I'm so glad I'm back online here. Now if you want to schedule a reading (most likely in person) starting next week, my only available times would be early Tuesday (2pm-6pm) & Wednesday (5pm-7pm). If I don't get to sign up people by Monday, that's it, the next round's on the week after, same timeslots.

For people interested in remote readings with me, here's a tip I'd like to share & quote before we proceed:

"There are many people who think that the psychic will know about their problems in just a couple of minutes. In an online psychic reading, it is not at all practical to expect this. To get the best help in the least possible time, it is very important to prepare the questions well in advance. The caller needs to first decide on the problems that he would like the psychic to solve. This would greatly help the psychic in giving the best solution."

& I totally abhor people who don't respond politely while inquiring about my services, especially while I'm asking them their names. PLEASE. I'm a very exhausted person & it takes a while before I can pick up on anyone's energy via text or phone or email, especially when I've got my hands full or my mind's processing 5 other pressing things. So onegaishimasu, it's best when you introduce yourselves properly, before or after taking time to read my FAQs, & I'll be more than happy to accommodate you.

& to end this post on a rather nice note, the first 3 people who comment & share their thoughts here will get a quick online reading from me. Make sure you have working links or valid contact information. I appreciate all my blog readers & patrons, but I think it's time for you sweeties to be heard. Have a happy weekend! ♥