"so if you really love me, come on & let it show."

I feel like a huge mess lately. Blame it on Saturn retrograde in my 1st House, maybe, or Uranus in my 7th, or Mars in my natal 8th & solar 12th (horrors). But I resolve to be a much better person & just focus on my tasks at hand. & never again will I have to spend a cent on hospital fees. Fuck that. & I'll just re-read this classic book that never ceases to amaze me. 

"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, & you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." 

I'm actually walking on eggshells now. Whenever I'm upset in love, I get VERY inconsolable. I try my best to see the best in the situation everytime & I've already given it much thought & deliberation. I know there's still so much more I've yet to re-learn about love, & for that, I pray for my sanity. 

"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love & must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt & be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
& to bleed willingly & joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
& give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour & meditate love's ecstasy;            

To return home at eventide with gratitude;             
& then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart  

& a song of praise upon your lips."

 Honestly, I don't even know whether or not what I'm feeling now is really love. There's still a part of me that's freaked out with trusting a person wholeheartedly with my life, especially knowing that this person is also treading carefully in this path, showing he's still not really sure of me, either. I don't know what to do anymore except have more faith in myself, in him, & in the signs presented to me by the Universe since my breakup, especially during my last Tarot workshop in October as well as our quick reading swap during The Collective Art Fair last February. I could be just deluding myself, but getting the 10 of Cups, the King of Pentacles, & the Ace of Wands today to signify where this is all headed is a relief. I just don't want to get ahead of myself, & I could just be dreading the next Venus retrograde commencing in a few days. & I'd rather get the real score from the person in question.  

I don't even know the point of this post. I think I'm just bothered with how I'm spending the rest of my time on a day-to-day basis. I still have so much work to do, & I'm on it. I just hope I see results soon. Not to be conditional, but, as much as I would love to express my feelings unabashedly no matter what, I feel like I deserve so much more now, especially with what I've gone through. 

I'll be trying to clear my head today with my brother instead. He's still the most important guy in my life, after all, especially now with my dad gone, even if I don't feel so much like being a responsible big sister now.