Wednesday, October 20, 2010

desiderata

I really haven't been speaking to my mother after what happened during my birthday, which was, again, one of my saddest days of the year. I actually wanted to make a difference this time, by giving her a call overseas to thank her for the gift of Life, for her support up to that very day, & for her patience with me even if I won't probably end up anywhere close to what she's always expected me to become. I was sick that time & I didn't want to see anyone else that day, as I vowed to myself I'm giving myself & my poor cards a break. But the bitch lashed out at me when she was telling me to look after my younger brother (I always do, but it's best sometimes if he hears things from her directly instead, yes?) & I got really pissed off. It's like, screw you, woman, you mean after everything I've done to prove to you & the rest of the world that I'm not like what you've been always afraid I'd turn out to be, you still don't trust me with MY life?! Fuck that shit. I'm out. She hung up on me, so I retorted via SMS, giving her a piece of my mind. After that, I didn't bother talking to her again. (She expects me to contact her at least every week.) We did speak to each other, though, when my brother was confined earlier this month in St. Luke's QC (his first hospitalization drama EVER, btw). But it was obviously just about my brother's case, & I drifted away again after that.

& just yesterday I found myself thinking again about my parents, & everything else about my life in general, even who & what I really am. It was also surreal how I ran into my Cancerian best friend Zhy on my way home, to think an hour before I got back, I found myself thinking about her, too. I haven't seen her since March last year, for my father's death anniversary & kid sister's birthday commemoration. She kindly helped me put things in clear perspective again, & I thanked her for being there for me & how it's always so easy to pick up where we've last left off. I missed her terribly, especially how she was there for me when my kid sister & dad were already gone. I should always trust my gut, she said. I hope to see her again this weekend.

& I've been crying at home ever since.

& then, just a few hours ago, my mother sent me a copy of one of my dad's favorite poems online, & now I feel completely devoid of energy. How could've I forgotten this piece?

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story
.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about Love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the Universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of Life, keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

I feel I'm going to be crying my way out of Life again this whole week.

We used to have copy of that poem framed while he was still alive. Now all we have left is his most favorite poem & his most favorite Bible passage (Psalms 27:1, NIV). & reviewing all them lines tonight is giving me the chills. Holy mother of fuck.

I miss my dad. I can't look at fighter planes anymore without wanting to burst into tears. I can't even have elaborate seafood dinners with crabs anymore (but I'm all for shrimp &  prawns everytime, as well as sushi). I can't even deal with anything National Geographic or FOX Crime anymore, either. It's also hard for me nowadays to visit his stead, where his remains lie with my kid sister's in our local memorial park. & it doesn't help that today marks my kid sister's best friend's last day on Earth 7 years ago. My sister then followed suit 14 months after that, just 5 days before Christmas, 6 days after my dad's birthday. He was in the US that time with my mom. The same way I can't really deal with anime or manga everything anymore, among other things, because I miss my poor little sister. & I will have the memory of her printing out my online birth chart, flailing, & exclaiming to my face, "look, your Venus & Mars are both in Scorpio!" just months before she died forever flashing in my head. She was more into astrology than I was, btw, being the Piscean that she was, & she couldn't deal with how I wasn't Libra enough for her taste, hehe. She was the only person in the world I could trust with my tarot decks & books, & she was my first student ever, as I taught her how to read when I was 6. & never mind if she turned out smarter than I am. She taught me a lot of things, too, & I truly miss her. I've actually given up on cooking a long time ago, after she was gone. She was my biggest culinary fan.

But I'm trying to get in touch with my former self lately, especially after quitting my soul-sucking day job earlier this year. I've missed out on a damn lot, & I'm actually liking how I'm seeing the world with a fresh new pair of eyes, or so I'd like to think. For a change, I'd love to be around like-minded individuals more, after a dire scarcity of such for the longest time. I've tried to go mindless for a while, but I can't deal with mediocrity talaga & all that shit, so ayoko na. One of my new acquaintances have exclaimed how it's like I'm a totally different person around certain places & folks I feel like I can relate to & identify with, because I've been acting like an agreeably dumb overgrown kid when I'm around her. That just goes to show that she's just quick to judge me, then, thinking she's got me all figured out like the back of her hand. Again, fuck that shit. You simply have no idea YET. I may come across as contradictory, but I'd like to call myself "multifaceted" instead. Funny, ironically I was trying to show her the real me, or at least the closest I could manage to that concept that time. Oh, well. I'm despicably sick & tired na of my life. But thanks to my parents, who are still looking after me even in spirit, after all, I'm not giving up. Not just yet. Now fuck off.

& so this is what it feels like, when Mercury's just slipped into Scorpio, wherein my Venus (in retrograde) & Mars have returned; while the Moon's waxing in Pisces, along with Jupiter (Rx) & Uranus (oh, dear Lord); & the reality-checking fucktard Saturn's still in my Sun sign Libra. I feel murderous, at a loss for words, but at the same time floored with inspiration. But what now?

I'll come back more coherent, hopefully, with all the obligatory promises (like them birthday readings), but at least now you know what's swirling in my head at this moment. Pardon my profanity, por favor, tambien. I'll go out early for readings tomorrow, though (I'm booked from 7pm onwards) & my workshop will proceed as planned next Sunday, on the 24th, 3pm-7pm, then we'll all troop to Global City by 10pm. It's going to be a long Sunday, but I'm all set. I'll just celebrate the Full Moon with my proteges, & brace myself for Samhain. Maybe this is why I keep getting the Moon card from Jammi's lovely Roots of Asia deck, even my own Mythic set, even if it already manifested as a power outage last week. Oh, & the Silence card from my Osho Zen deck, but that's more equated with the traditional Star card... sigh.

Let me just end this then with a reflection from a couple of years ago, that still applies to me up to now, even if I'm exhausted & I need a long break from it all & yes, finally, I do mind. I don't want to end up hating what I do nowadays entirely. I'd rather hate ze profanum vulgus than my own convictions.

"On a different note, I’ve been thinking about what one of my esoteric friends said about Tarot readers being reduced to stereotypical laughable fortune-telling figures bordering on quackery in this country. That’s what I’ve been trying to avoid for the past 8 years, & yet I really don’t mind when people see me differently everytime they’d find out how I’m so into New Age. This is who & what I am, but there’s more to me, of course, even if my current lifestyle is a tad too limiting. I’ve never felt more alive celebrating that, & I’m all the more excited to dabble in my chosen pursuits, which are actually more sophisticated than what the common horde would give them credit for."

3 comments:

Tangerine said...

Hi Mare!
A big big *hug* to you. I can't tell you "I know how you feel" but I do hope that my love will surround you in times of great sadness or distress. I am very sure that your Dad and your little sister is always watching you.
I am sure they want you to be happy.

Sometimes birthdays are the saddest days of our lives, I had my share too.

I hope you are feeling better by the time you are reading this.

PS Saw your sister's drawings! She's very talented! Love them!

Love,
Tangerine

Andalusia said...

Thank you so much for dropping by, Mare!

I guess they really do want me & everyone else in the family to be happy. I've dreamt about them & they were watching me ace this production number, even if I wasn't so proficient. It feels nice getting to visit them again in their grave after such a long time. I'll be going back more often, just like old times.

Yes, thank you, indeed, she was very talented! Actually, my parents & the rest of my siblings are, too. I should take pictures of my brother's model planes next. :)

& good luck with your endeavors. Let's hope next year (& the years after that) we'd have REALLY happy birthdays.

Take care. ♥

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