shadowboxing

I'm not really feeling well lately, even if it has been such a fun summer for me this year. Maybe I can blame Pluto going retrograde, with all the discussions I've had with querents this week about chakra balancing, shadow work, decluttering, psychic protection via feng shui, & plain ol' metamorphosis (though always easier said than done). How apt that this all had to be amplified during Lent up to Easter week, with "rebirth" as the main theme, as per the Judgment card, & with all my lovely Aries & Taurus clients celebrating their respective birthdays. (Belated joyeux anniversaire again to Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, & Pisces!)

It's not fun at all dealing with Pluto retrograde, but it's a necessary evil. Mercury will go retrograde soon, too, this month, but I'm actually more positive about it now & I can't wait to have my room spic & span FINALLY. I can't wait to pamper myself all the more this season. To understand more about planetary retrogrades in a flash & being more patient with changes, among other things, click here.

Anyway, everytime I say "been there, done that", I'm not kidding at all. Even before my kid sister & father died, even before my long engagement ended, I've always been despondent. Inconsolably, at that. I've scribbled badly-written poetry in my youth to illustrate my depression, & here's one of them now, that I wrote in 11/01/01. Haha.

Within the silence of the cold, dark night
I can hear my heart beat
as well as the memories of my past cries
reverberate through my mind.
All I can do for this moment is to heave a sigh
And look up at the heavens for solace
But all I get is myself sitting up at the porch
with burning questions searing within my
weary soul
which I wouldn't be able to answer for, let's say,
maybe by 5 years or so...
I mourn for my hopelessness, loneliness, & failure
But at the same time bask in the gloomy moonlight
embracing my pain,
rejoicing with my shadow,
savoring the stale November air
recollecting on my thoughts
on Death.

That was written months before I got fascinated with Tarot cards & just days before I got into my last relationship. It was part of an online writing exercise & I was really devoid of ideas back then. Surprisingly, though, I wrote another bit after a few days that I think was rather cute, & it's much easier to read. Maybe because I was actually inspired when I wrote it. It was untitled for some time.

Somewhere here in the horizon
the rippling moonlit waters remind me
how lovely Life can be from a distance
at certain serene times
With the city lights aglow
below dainty stars and clouds
When the cool sea breeze blows kisses
on my weary, sleepy brow...

As I close my eyes and feel the bliss
brought upon by such contemplation
A certain warmth, stirred in with a mild chill,
surges through my self's inner depths
Up to my head

Then I look back at you, beaming —
I find myself wishing this moment would never have to end.

"Beside You"
11-04-2001
05:41 AM

For the love of God, every time I watch art, cooking, & interior decorating shows I find myself wishing I'd have the same kind of creativity that I had when I was 6-12 years old. I wrote haikus in high school to pay homage to Mother Nature, & I wrote poems & songs about meditation in college, but that was it. I give up. Oh, wait, maybe I shouldn't. But yes, please tell me if my attempts suck.

Anyway, I feel bad about having my Knight of Swords card from my Deviant Moon getting a bit soaked in water last night, as per precipitation from a cold drink on our table. My decks get "stamped" in one way or another, marking them as mine forever, but the incident still pains me. My prior querent & I were able to prevent a similar situation from happening, but I guess I got carried away during my last session. I still really have to thank my last young dreamy fellow Libra patron (& her heady gracious Aries older sister!) for being patient & confident of what I do (& also for reading this blog, thank you!) so that's fine. I actually want to thank all the new wonderful people I've met this year, & I wish you all the best. I'll always want to bless everyone, even if this movie quote keeps me in perspective:

"You can't right all the wrongs of this world by yourself."

Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame is indeed the most grim of all the films in the productions lineup, to date, but it's a perfect movie to watch during a Pluto retrograde, showcasing the dark realities of Life, & the need for upheavals. I still get a kick out of how funny the musical number "A Guy Like You" is (I like gargoyles, pang-asar + stand-up comedy, French references, & oh, look, cartomancy, there's the Ace of Hearts!) & my most favorite movie song would now have to be "God Help The Outcasts" (hooray for Mother Mary & the whole sacred feminine movement) even if it makes me cry everytime. I usually hate song-&-dance numbers in movies, thinking how cheesy they are, but I have a few things I wouldn't mind singing to, haha.

Back to the Knight of Swords & what it can illustrate at this point for all my querents, let me quote my most favorite author Christine Jette:

"The Knight indicates the need for a therapist/counselor who will focus on thinking patterns & beliefs that inhibit the healing process — stuck ways of thinking that are holding you back.

If you are into a life of busyness, this card means you need to slow down & examine what you are avoiding by keeping so busy. Focus on control of your own treatment decisions. Use your research skills to arrive at a solution that is right for you. Meditation will help you focus your thoughts, so you can listen to your heart & not your head."

Oh, well. Feel free to join me in Facebook where I seem to have more time for lately, if you wish to know more about my schedules for this month. [EDITED]: But next week, I'll be reading on Tuesday (April 13th) from 2pm-7pm & Thursday (April 15th) from 4pm-9pm. Leave a comment here if you want a session. :) ♥